List Fic: Rules of Being A Successful Slytherin

Title: Rules of Being A Successful Slytherin v. 2
Author: ms_katonic
Rating: PG13
Genre: List. Mix of humour, snark and wisdom for living. You can work out which is which.
AN: Wrote and published this AGES ago, and promptly forgot about it. FFNet deleted it after they stopped taking lists, and FA have never hosted it. The only extant copy was stashed away in the Yahoo Group, and it officially became a Lost Fic. Until tonight, when I got emailed and asked where it was. I deliberated for a while, wondering where I could publicly post it in an easily accessible location. And then I remembered LJ. So here it is, revised and edited.

1. For every rule, there is a loophole.

2. Never give a mundane explanation when a magical one can be hinted at.

3. If fair means have failed you, it is time to resort to foul.

4. If foul means have failed you, it probably wasn't worth having anyway.

5. If at first you don't succeed, rubbish the goal to all and sundry and make everyone believe it's not worth it.

6. Winning isn't everything. Sometimes it is better to lose at a few lesser battles in order to ensure victory in the bigger ones. And it is always wise to know when to cut and run.

7. Three professionals no Slytherin should be without: a lawyer, a PR rep and a damn good style consultant.

8. If fortune has presented you with an unexpected opportunity which you don't really deserve... don't argue. Fate will no doubt correct the mistake at some point.

9. Little old men and little old ladies. Better Slytherins than you have been under the misconception that they're harmless. You would do best not to follow in their footsteps.

10. The truth is a terrible and dangerous thing, and should be avoided if at all possible.

11. If someone has the power to completely disarm you, to take you apart from the inside out, to turn their dreams into yours, to invade every single part of your life and marry it with theirs so you don't know whose is whose anymore, to bring you sobbing into their arms like the child you've always denied ever being and to destroy you utterly with a single glance...  it will not benefit you any to tell them of this fact.

12. Keep smiling. A well planned smile can be more frightening than a single glare.

13. Your real feelings are a precious thing indeed. And they should be better guarded than Fort Knox.

14. Of all the Slytherins you will ever meet, there is one who you should fear above all others. And that is the Slytherin Who Still Has A Cuddly Animal And Is Not Afraid To Show It.

15. Don't underestimate the benefits of Muggle technology - there's no magical substitute for a rocket launcher.

16. Don't waste your energy on tantrums when a carefully plotted revenge of precision and brutality would do better.

17. Never wear anything if the designer's name doesn't end in a vowel.

18. There are very few things that can't have bets placed on them.

19. Make sure you're the one taking the bets.

20. Despite what everyone tells you, spilling red wine on your best silk shirt IS a hanging offence.

21. The real reason why we're always teasing the Hufflepuffs - yellow and black is a crap colour combination. 

22. Slytherins ARE sexier. Studies prove it. (Sirius Black is the exception rather than the rule.)

23. If you ever come across a cool piece of jewellery or a weapon with an ancient curse or prophecy over it - leave it where it is. Don't get involved. They're more trouble than they're worth.

24. Never forget the house colours - silver, green and the unofficial third colour - black.

25. Some Slyths rely on their wands. Others rely on their fists. Some rely on the power of a single glance. Others don't need to rely on anything at all because the mere mention of their name is enough. But the one weapon no Slytherin can afford to be without is the Witty Quip. Have one ready at all times.

26. Immortality is not worth selling your power and your future for.

27. More than one family has been destroyed through greed and ambition. But if you must risk yours like that, at least make sure it's for your own ambitions. There's nothing worse than losing everything to the whim of a madman.

28. Heroic and brave are not compliments. 

29. Sneaky bastard is.

30. There is always a price.  Know what yours is, and know what theirs is.  Some prices are not worth paying.

31. Honour - it is a good thing to be thought to have it.  But at the same time, always treat it as a set of behavioural guidelines with lots of flexibility and room to manoeuvre rather than a set of laws carved in stone.

32. Anger is your second enemy.  Let it get control and you will lose to the very real enemy in front of you.

33. No matter the provocation, always respond with a smile and positivity.  Not only will it make you look good and give you the moral high ground, it'll really piss the other person off.

34. They only hate you because they're jealous.

35. But one day, they'll need you. And then, finally, we will get our reward.